May 12, 2011

How to become a Gamer Chick – A Simple Guide


Step 1.  Be of the female species.  This is very impor­tant.  Sex changes do not count unless you were pre­dis­po­si­tion towards the fem­i­nine as a male.  Also, please ensure that you are homo-sapi­en as bovine, lupine, or any oth­er form of mam­mal, avian, rep­tile, or plant life is unac­cept­able due to the lack of cog­ni­tive thought and/or oppos­able thumb.  Once you’ve deter­mined if you are indeed a homosapi­en female, you may pro­ceed to step 2.  If you can­not prove that you are so, then this guide will sim­ply be humor to you rather than some­thing of use.
Step 2.  Remem­ber that as in all walks of life, gamer chicks can be beau­ti­ful or ugly, fat or skin­ny, nerdy or prep­py (rare, but it hap­pens).  It mat­ters not to the game or those who you talk to on chat what you look like.  All that mat­ters is how you play.  Throw aside your prej­u­dices and play with con­fi­dence!
Step 3.  I call this step “The Baby Gamer Chick.”  If you have not gamed before, begin with some­thing stu­pid sim­ple, like Far­mville.  If you can­not han­dle the sim­ple task of run­ning a pix­elized farm, then you have no busi­ness snip­ing down the ene­my.  Grad­u­ate slow­ly to Bejew­eled Blitz and Zuma Blitz to test your adap­tion to speed.  Once mas­tered, play this game (http://members.iinet.net.au/~pontipak/redsquare.html).  Once you can go for 18 sec­onds, you’re ready to grad­u­ate to real games.
Step 4.  Be not ye wary of vio­lence.  While games like Far­mville and Hel­lo Kit­ty Island Adven­tures can be the gate­way, you can­not stop there.  If the con­cept of head shots, zom­bies, por­tals, and assas­si­na­tions make you queasy, then stay at the “The Baby Gamer Chick” stage of Far­mville and Bejew­eled.  For those of you ready to move on to the Big Girl games, my sug­ges­tion is to play with a group of friends who know what they’re doing.  Make sure that at least one of them is will­ing to actu­al­ly TEACH you what each but­ton does, and then pre­pare to be cre­mat­ed by them in the weeks fol­low­ing.  Do not expect mer­cy, and do not ask for it.  You must expe­ri­ence the pain of being a new­bie.
Step 5.  Prac­tice.  Alone on cam­paigns, with your uber leet friends, how­ev­er you want as long as you are improv­ing.  Do not stay on the eas­i­est lev­el pos­si­ble.  Jump right in at insane mode as soon as you’ve grasped the basic game mechan­ics.  Don’t be afraid of fail­ure.  Shoot fail­ure in the face with your devel­op­ing skills.  You’ll soon be kick­ing ass with all your friends.
Step 6.  Branch out!  The world is your play­ground!  FPS, MMO’s, table top games, try them all and have fun!  That is the point of being a gamer chick, after all.
Well that…and kick­ing guys butts in PvP.

5 comments

  1. AceOfNades69 - May 12, 2011 3:00 pm

    Gamer chicks = rare epic spawn

    Reply
  2. CharcoalCoyote - May 12, 2011 9:02 pm

    Okay, you know what? I’m try­ing this method on my girl­friend. I’ll keep you guys post­ed on her progress. Genius arti­cle. Also, that lit­tle square game? Play Touhou for three hours and then try it. You will rage, SO HARD. Took me five entire tries. I’m an embar­rass­ment.

    Reply
  3. zero_19 - May 13, 2011 11:55 am

    Lol, I should try this on my wife.…She was BoP but as Ace said, I wish she had been a rare epic.

    Reply
  4. Anonymous - September 26, 2011 1:21 pm

    I’m a girl and I love gam­ing with my guy friends but I don’t have a Paysta­tion at home, so I don’t get to prac­tice and there­fore make very lit­tle progress. My dad won’t by me one. How can I improve so that I can play with them prop­er­ly and they don’t just play with me for stack-padding 🙂

    Reply
  5. SavedbyRockandRoll - October 6, 2011 3:30 am

    Yeah im a girl and i love gamin and i want to be bet­ter, but all i have is a wii. So i can play cool games like COD Black ops, but its hard to beat my friends because they have x‑boxes and ps3s and the con­trols are quite dif­fer­ent. How can i improve?

    Reply

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